Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
