found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize