just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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