my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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