so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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