Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
