I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
