Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
