I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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