Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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