I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize