my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
