Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
