After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
