Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
