Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
