First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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