just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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