everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Farmville is her only friend.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
