I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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