I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
