This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
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NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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