Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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