He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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