Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
