Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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