we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize