I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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