I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
