I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
