Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
