He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
