My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
