What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
