I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
