I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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