The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
