Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
