Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
