Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
