you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize