JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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