even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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