I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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