just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
