things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
as a side note pls kill me
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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