I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
