I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When are your genitals available?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
