just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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