Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You need a sexual gate keeper
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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