is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
