Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
