Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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