There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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