Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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