Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
BRING THE BAGELS
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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