i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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