I skipped work to stalk him.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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