I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
