I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
