I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
