She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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