omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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