Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
