Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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