my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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