I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
