he shaved USA in his pubs
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
