my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
