I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
