I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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