is your mom at the bar?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
