You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
