i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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