Whatcha textin bout Willis?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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