I didn't shave. On purpose
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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